John and the Magical Christmas Star
by shockinglyawesome
Summary: A secret Santa project I did the involves Futurama and South Park. When John befriends a talking plunger, Harold, they go on adventures.


John and the Magical Christmas Star  
Once upon a time there was a dude named John Edwards. He was really cool and wouldn't let anyone stop him from saying what was on his mind. Once, there were children picking their noses and throwing boogars at him like stupid monkeys so John killed them. It was awesome. John had been a super good boy this year and was hoping that he would get what he had wished for every Christmas, even though Santa had been a little stingy bitch the last 28 years, he was hoping this year would be different! It was the 24th when he got down on both knees and shimmied his way to his bedroom window where the brightest star shined. Tears filled his eyes as he imagined his gift. He clasped his hands together and spoke,  
"Oh brightest star in the sky, I am so weary and tired of Santa being a bitch, he never gives me my gift!" The star continued to twinkle. "So, I am resolved to turn to you, you giant flaming ball of gas that I personify. Won't you grant me this one wish?" It was quiet as majestic Christmas music formed in the background. "Won't you just give me a Magoffin that will allow me to travel to any dimension I wish? I want to have adventure!" The star suddenly grew brighter, so bright that John's eyes began to burn. He screamed in pain and charged to his bathroom throwing water on his eyes. "DUMB MOTHER FUCKING STAR! Should've known better than to try and be a Disney movie!" Suddenly he turned to notice an odd object gleaming and sparkling, lying next to his sink. He had never noticed it before. It was a plunger made out of diamonds. "How odd." John stated, picking up the peculiar device. "I don't remember buying this." He thought for just a second and chuckled, "Oh must've been drunk."  
"No! Silly man! You were not drinking nor buying anything!" A high pitched male voice rang.  
"Dafuq…where's that voice coming from?" John looked around frantically.  
"Down here! You're holding me!" John looked at the plunger and turned it around; he became flabbergasted as an animated face cheered back at him on the suction cup.  
"AHHH! Holy shit!" He threw the demonic thing into the toilet. The plunger began to suffocate and gasp for air threw the water.  
"Help! Help!" It cried. John quickly picked it back up and stared at it, unsure of what was occurring. "Hey ass hat! You're the one that wanted me to exist and you throw me into a place you literally defecate in?! What a way to show thanks."  
"Oh…uh…sorry…" John cringed as the plungers face softened. "Wait, you're the object that's going to take me on adventure to different dimensions?!" The plunger smirked,  
"That's right! You wished upon the Christmas Eve magical star and called that obese, cookie stealing, no hygiene fool a bitch! Therefore your wish was granted."  
"Wow, didn't know the star had animosity against Santa."  
"They went through a bad breakup back in the day."  
"Oh."  
"Yes, my name is Harold and I am here to transport you to three different dimensions for tons of adventure but it is only for tonight. After the third dimension, I will be gone."  
"Thank God, you reek."  
"Hey! It's not my fault you threw me into piss!" John chuckled.  
"Well, I never really thought I would get this far…but…I suppose if I had to choose three places to go, it would be some television series I really like…do those count as dimensions?"  
"Sure."  
"Great! Then our first destination is a time placed a thousand years into the future…"  
"It's Futurama, isn't it?" John bowed his head.  
"Yes…" Harold smirked and pointed the suction cup to the heavens, forcing the arm John held him in to lift as well.  
"To the future!" Suddenly the cup made a loud suction and they took off towards the sky. John screamed hanging onto Harold as he just laughed maniacally.  
"What's happening?!" Colors that he had never seen before rushed past him and the air became thin and barely breathable.  
"We're traveling!" John gasped for air as suddenly he body began to morph into a two dimensional form. "Oh, we're here!" Harold made an abrupt stop which flung John into the bright green grass.  
"Damn, if I knew it was going to hurt like that I might've been more considerate about my wish."  
"Well what did you think multi molecular mutation was going to feel like?" John grimaced at Harold.  
"I will throw you in another toilet."  
"Hey! Who the hell are you?" A drunken robot stammered at them.  
"My God! It's Bender!" John retorted, excited.  
"Hey…how do you know my name? Did someone send you to spy on me?" Bender quickly looked around. "Shit, I knew I shouldn't have stolen from that charity."  
"What? No!" John cried. "No! I am just a…uh…fan of yours!" Benders optical grew large and zoomed in on John.  
"A fan?" He looked down at Harold. "What's with the plunger?"  
"Well this is my guide." Bender's eyes zoomed out and returned to regular size.  
"Of course my fans would have something weird like that…" He mumbled. "WELL! Nice meeting you fan but I got to go, I have uh…" He thought quickly "…dance rehearsal to attend to."  
"Bender!" A mutant with purple hair and one eye cried out.  
"Ah geez, mom's here." He said sarcastically.  
"Bender, these children told me that they saw you take their money safe!" Lelah yelled.  
"Wow, stealing from a charity, that's hardcore." John interjected.  
"Don't encourage him."  
"Yeah, so what? I need it for my own charity: the me, myself, and I foundation." Lelah growled at him as Fry walked up to his friend,  
"Bender! It's Christmas Eve! Don't you remember what Christmas is all about?"  
"Getting drunk."  
"No! Giving!"  
"Well I like receiving!"  
"Heh, that's what she said." All the men laughed and high fived each other as Lelah put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot. "Uh, say stranger!" Fry turned to John. "Maybe you can convince Bender to give back the funds?!"  
"Uh…" John stumbled with his thoughts and snapped his fingers. "I got it! A drink off!" They all gasped.  
"A what?" Bender asked slyly.  
"I challenge you: Bender the bending robot – to a beer drink off! If I win, you give back the money, if you win, you get to keep it."  
"No he won't!" Lelah yelled.  
"You're challenging Bender to a beer drink off?! You'll die!" Fry shook John. John shook his head and slowly pushed Fry off him.  
"No worries, I have a fool proof plan." Bender laughed as John approached him and they began to participate in an intense stare off. John cracked his knuckles as Bender stretched his eyes in weird positions.  
"Heh…alright, beer me!" Bender said. Fry handed each participate a case of beer then covered his eyes with his hands out of anxiety. They began their 'drink off' as both were equally matched, chugging down beers, at first it was one case, then two, then three! They both stood high though, by the fourth case, John began to weave slightly from side to side. Bender laughed. "Dumb fleshy! You should've known not to challenge me!" Johns face became pale and cheeks were puffed, he was about to blow. Seeing this sight made Bender himself ill. "Hey…uhh…why don't you puke already?! I don't like this anticipation." John kept himself steady though and would not let the substance out. Bender himself became green then and started to weave. "I…I uh…I don't like this…" Suddenly, Bender upchucked as everyone was shocked. John smirked then regained his composure. "What? I don't understand!"  
"It's called a fake out." John pumped out his chest and stood over the gray robot. Bender clutched his fists and slammed them on the ground.  
"Wow! I can't believe you actually got him to puke first!" Fry said surprised.  
"I'm the protagonist, of course I did."  
"Hand over the money, Bender." Lelah said. Bender reluctantly got the funds from his chest and handed it over. "ALL of it." Bender grumbled then pulled the rest out of his head. "Thank you." Lelah turned to the children as the smiled and walked away. "See everyone, see how happy they are! That's the true meaning of Christ-" She turned back around to see everyone not paying attention. "Oh forget it."  
"Psst, John! We have to be going! The story needs to go to proceed!" Harold whispered.  
"Oh right!" John pointed Harold towards the sky. "Well it was nice meeting all of you but now I must be going." They all stared at him confused. "Next world: Walking DEAD!" They blasted off leaving the three astonished.  
"Should we really put anything past us now?" Fry asked.  
"Nope." Lelah retorted.  
Once again, they were morphed through time and space but this time John was turned back to his normal self yet his clothes were tattered and dirty. They landed on a dirt road, face first. John cringed as he picked himself up and rubbed his eyes.  
"Why would you want to come to this dump?" Harold asked.  
"Are you kidding?! This DUMP has intense emotional situations filled with morality complications and decisions!"  
"You just like it because zombies get killed." John was quiet.  
"Heh…yeah." Suddenly, a grumble was heard. They turned to see a mob of zombies coming straight for them. "Ah crap! I don't have any guns, swords, or arrows!"  
"No, but you do have me!"  
"Defeat zombies with a plunger?!"  
"Use me like a sword, hurry before they overwhelm you!" John quickly snatched Harold and began to decapitate the walkers with Harold. Each time he hit one, Harold would say "ow" but John got really into it. He stuck the suction cup to one zombies head, ripped it off then used that head as a mallet and knocked off limbs of other zombies. After 15 minutes, he had defeated the walkers. He screamed out a victory cry.  
"I AM THE MASTER!" This sadly attracted more walkers for him to defeat. He did so proudly but then more walkers appeared and he had to defeat them and then more walkers appeared and John's enthusiasm drained. He hit their heads off with a dead panned face and no more excitement. "Geez, this got boring."  
"You're not the one getting abused here!" Harold retorted. He finally finished all the walkers when it was silent.  
"Thank goodness…" Suddenly more walkers appeared and John twitched. "Okay I'm done with this place." He said irritated.  
"Finally!" Harold howled. John pointed him to the sky once more and blasted off.  
"Okay Harold! Our final destination is-"  
"I got this!" Harold screeched as they began to morph once more into flat characters but this time they had even less detail. John's head became larger than his body and his hands turned into balls with the thumb poking out the side. They slammed into the ground once more but this time it was covered with snow and they plowed right into it.  
"Well…at least this landing was a tad softer." John looked around at his surroundings and noticed his peculiar body…it was in the style of paper cut outs. John grinned widely. "You know me so well, Harold."  
"HEY!" A deeper male child's voice screamed out. John looked behind him to see a fat child in red with a blue toboggan atop his head. "I worked hard on that snowman!" John looked down to see that he indeed had landed and smashed to bits a snowman. The sticks for arms were poking out from under his butt.  
"Oh…uh…sorry."  
"Sorry! That took me 15 minutes!"  
"15 minutes? That's not too long…"  
"Long enough for me! I'm freezing my ass off out here!"  
"Then why don't you go back inside?" The boy glared at John.  
"My mom figured out that sending me to my room wasn't really punishing me, so she decided to abuse me and make me play out here!" John thought.  
"That's pretty ingenious actually."  
"Cartman, stop your whining, that snowman looked like shit anyways." Another child said. This one had a green hat with an orange jacket.  
"Well, I'm sorry that not everyone has money stored away to build them a snowman, Kyle!" Cartman retorted.  
"What are you talking about? I don't pay anyone to build my snowmen."  
"Sure you do, all Jewish people do that."  
"Damnit Cartman, I don't know where you get these bizarre ideas but that is not true!" They ensued into an argument as John eagerly watched the outcome and started laughing. They both turned to him as two more boys appeared.  
"Hey, what's so funny?!" Cartman demanded. John continued to laugh.  
"You two!" He said between breaks of giggles. Cartman and Kyle stared at each other.  
"What?" Kyle asked unsure.  
"Heh, your all's bickering! It's hilarious! Ya know, people would pay to see you all fight like that." Suddenly, Cartman's eyes become large and he grinned.  
"Pay, huh?" He mumbled.  
"Oh no! Don't even think about it Cartman! I'm not going to argue with you and you get all the money!"  
"What? Kyle!" Cartman said offended. "How could you think I would do that? I would give you, your fare share."  
"Oh really?"  
"Yes, the 10% that you do, I'll give you." Kyle became enraged.  
"10%?! You fat ass! I do just as much arguing as you!"  
"Hey! Don't call me a fat ass you stupid Jew!" John began to laugh hysterically.  
"Oh, that's classic!" They stared at him again. John dug into his pocket. "Here." He said while still chuckling. He pulled out two $10 bills and gave them both each one. "Merry Christmas." They both dropped their jaws and took the cash.  
"Hey, I wana get paid for arguing!" Stan called out as Kenny mumbled something along the lines of 'yeah, me too.' "Kenny! Quick! Insult me!" Kenny thought,  
"Uhh..." he then mumbled something which took Stan back.  
"You think what of my mom?! You sick bastard!" He went to tackle him as Kenny screamed and waved his hands back and forth. John laughed again.  
"Not everything is about money." He said. They all shifted their eyes then stared at him.  
"It's not?" Cartman asked.  
"Ha-ha, no! Of course not! Especially not around this time of year. Caring about others and giving is what this season is all about!" John kneeled down and patted the snowman he had crushed back into place. "Sometimes, being nice to people who maybe don't even deserve it is the best way to celebrate life and Christmas. Showing kindness in a time of hate is the real prize." Kyle and Cartman looked at each other ashamed.  
"He's right, Cartman. Sorry I made fun of your dumb snowman and call you a fat ass." Kyle stated.  
"Yeah, that was really rude." Kyle expected an apology in return but rolled his eyes when it was obvious he would not be getting one.  
"Here." Kyle pulled out his $10 and gave it to Cartman.  
"What? Wow! You're really giving this to me?"  
"Yeah, it's Christmas."  
"But you celebrate Hanukah, Kyle." Stan said.  
"Just let the story be, Stan." Cartman waved his money in the air screaming,  
"I have $20!" John smiled as Harold once again whispered to him,  
"Psst John, it's time to leave now. It's almost midnight in your world and I must be gone before Christmas!" John picked up Harold from the snow and nodded.  
"Well children, I must be going now! Have a Merry Christmas!" He pointed Harold to the sky and they took off once more as the children waved goodbye.  
"Should we be concerned about that?" Stan asked, still waving.  
"Nope." Kyle replied.  
John and Harold finally returned back to John's bathroom. The mood suddenly became somber as the clock struck two minutes till midnight. John walked out the bathroom with Harold in his hand.  
"I had a great time tonight." John said.  
"Me too."  
"Maybe we can do it again, sometime?"  
"I'm afraid not, I'm not going to exist anymore in a couple minutes." John hung his head and tears filled his ducts.  
"What if I think this was all just a dream? How will I know this really happened?"  
"Just look to the star, John. I'll always be there in the stars." The clock struck midnight and Harold began to disappear. "Merry Christmas, John." Sparkled filled the hallway area surrounding them as he finally faded away. John let a few tears escape as he slowly walked back to his bedroom and lay down under his covers. He glanced out the window and sat up abruptly when he saw a miraculous sight! The stars! They made a new constellation! John rubbed his eyes and grinned widely, it was Harold! The stars formed a Harold constellation with the brightest Christmas Eve Star being the tip of the handle! John breathed calmly and spoke,  
"Merry Christmas, Harold."  
THE END!


End file.
